Exit Signs Always on My Mind
by lil-rock14
Summary: Missing scene 5x18. He could see his brother's regret, but he also knew how proud he could be. "At least go and say bye to him." One shot


**Exit Signs Always on My Mind**

**I wrote this after the episode. I know that a bunch of people have already written this scene, but here is my take on it. I hope that it is something different from what everyone else has written. The title comes from Ke$ha's song 'Disgusting'.**

Summary: Missing scene 5x18. He could see his brother's regret, but he also knew how proud he could be. "At least go and say bye to him." One shot

**Disclaimer: I own nothing besides the idea behind this story. **

"What the hell you gonna do with that?" Sam asked, when he saw Castiel extend the blade.

Castiel looked down and away from Dean as quickly as he could. He could feel Dean's eyes on him, but he couldn't meet them. Because if he did, he knew that he wouldn't be able to do what he needed to save Adam.

"I'll just—"

"Cas, what are you doing?" Dean asked, grabbing the wrist that held the blade.

"What does it look like?" he spat, trying to pull his hand out of Dean's grasp. But he wasn't really trying because Dean still held on, firm.

"You need sigils," Sam said.

"Yes."

"We can—"

"The walls won't be enough, Sam." He pulled his hand out of Dean's grasp when he felt the hold give. "Just give me a moment then I'll be ready." Castiel spun on his heel and walked away from the brothers.

The brothers watched as Castiel turned the corner. Sam pushed his brother in the shoulder toward the direction Castiel walked. "Go talk to him."

"Why?" Dean asked.

"Dean."

"You heard him, Sam. He doesn't have faith in me. It doesn't matter what I say."

"You actually believe that?" Sam said as loud as he could without yelling. "After everything. You're okay with whatever he's about to do? What happened to not letting people sacrifice themselves for us, Dean?" Dean stayed in his position, stubborn. But Sam knew his brother too well. He could see his brother's regret, but he also knew how proud he could be. "At least go and say bye to him."

Then Dean felt like he was punched in the chest. He was going to have to say bye to Castiel, either because he was going to say yes or Castiel wasn't going to make it. And he hated the way it made him feel.

At some point in all of the thinking, his feet took him in the direction toward Castiel.

Dean sighed and turned the corner and saw Castiel standing near some crates. He saw him stare at the blade for a moment before he set it down on the crates. He expected Castiel to start unbuttoning the cuffs of his shirt, but his hands went to his collar.

Then Dean realized what Castiel was about to do.

"So, you don't have faith in me, but you're still willing to carve yourself like a turkey and sacrifice yourself for me?" Castiel ignored him and continued to look down to unbutton his shirt. "Damnit, Cas. Look at me," he said grabbing the angel by the shoulders and shaking him.

"What do you want me to say, Dean?" Castiel said a hushed breath. He didn't want to alert the angels outside of his presence.

As quiet as it was, Dean could hear the venom in those words.

"Cas," he said as Castiel undid the last button on his shirt.

"You don't need me anymore, Dean. If you're giving up and saying yes…" his voice trailed off. Dean watched as he took in a deep breath and let it out. Such a human thing to do. "Michael can protect you and your brother much better than I can." Castiel picked the box cutter up and brought the blade to the middle of his chest.

Dean had to turn away, unable to stand Castiel defacing his body for his sake. "So you're going to do this? For something… someone you have no faith in."

"I don't believe in what you're about to do."

"But you still believe in…"

"In what? In you? I'm trying, Dean. But you're asking me to believe in something I do not agree with. I can only follow you so far before I have to turn away because I can't watch you give up everything you are and destroy yourself." Castiel paused to regain the composure he felt he was losing. "I won't be able to look into your eyes and not see you."

Dean spun around and saw that Castiel's chest was still unmarked. "Cas," he said, grabbing the hand that held the blade once again.

"You can't stop me, Dean," Castiel growled.

"I know that, Cas," Dean replied. After all of the time they spent together, he knew how absolute Castiel could be. "I know." He let go of Castiel, but held his hand out to him. "Give me the cutter. I'll… I'll carve the sigil."

Castiel's eyes widened as he stepped back. "I can do it myself." He couldn't let Dean do that to or for him.

"No. I'll do it," Dean hissed. "Now give me the box cutter."

Castiel sighed and handed the box cutter over to Dean. Even now, he couldn't refuse anything Dean asked.

He climbed onto one of the crates and sat down. He stared at Dean and waited for him to start cutting. Dean took in a deep breath then let it out. Then he stepped forward.

Dean gave Castiel a look as to ask him if he was ready. Castiel nodded.

The angel looked down as the blade inched toward his chest. It was hard to ignore how much it trembled in Dean's hand. "Dean," Castiel whispered.

"What?"

"The cuts need to be precise."

"I got that."

"You're shaking."

"Just give me a second, Cas," Dean growled.

"You don't have a second," Castiel replied. He wanted to sound demanding, but he couldn't. "If you can't do it, then give the blade to me. Or if you don't think I can do it, call Sam."

"No, I have to be the one to do this."

"You don't."

Dean glared at Castiel and dared him to try and take the cutter away from him. At the end of the day, he was going to be the one carving into the angel. He felt that he owed Castiel that much. Or maybe he just wanted to punish himself for hurting the people he cared about.

Dean brought the blade back up to Castiel's chest and held the tip right above his sternum. He let out a long breath, trying to exhale all the nerves coursing through him.

Finally, after what felt like minutes when it was probably only a few seconds, he pushed the tip of the blade in.

He tried to ignore the familiarity of the feeling of carving into someone. After years of doing it in Hell, it was hard to forget the feeling of pushing a blade into skin when it wasn't to kill. Just to hurt. It had been a lifetime when he was able to just watch something bleed by his hand.

He shook his head, trying to shake the dark thoughts from it.

He kept his eyes on Castiel's chest, focused on the job. Blood flowed from the wounds, covering his hand, but he continued to cut. He stopped every so often when he felt a twitch. He wasn't too sure if it was him or Castiel.

He realized that it didn't matter.

Then the silence between them started to hurt Dean's ears. He needed some small talk, even as awkward as the situation was. "So, when you do this whole poof-be-gone bit, you'll be the last man standing in the warehouse?"

"No," Castiel replied, simply.

Dean stopped at another twitch. This time, he knew that it was him. "Cas."

"I'll _poof_ away along with all of my brothers. Being the one using the sigil is different from actually being the sigil."

"So, you're sending yourself to the same place as them? You just said that you aren't fast enough to get away."

"If I'm lucky, I'll send myself to where they are. That is the best case scenario," Castiel said. He looked down and saw that Dean's hand had stopped moving. "Keep cutting. You're wasting time."

"If you're lucky?" Dean asked, looking up trying to meet Castiel's eyes. He didn't succeed. "What is the worst case scenario?"

"I don't know."

Dean stayed silent for a moment. He looked up at Castiel for a second before his gaze fell back down to the angel's chest. He continued cutting. "So you could die," he whispered. "Again."

"It doesn't matter." Castiel sighed, then bowed to stare at the ground. "I'm tired, Dean. I can't keep protecting you if you don't want it or if it won't make a difference. And as much as I… I can't anymore. Especially if I could end up hurting you like I did last night."

Dean didn't know what else he could say to Castiel, so he just continued to carve.

When he finished the biggest part of the sigil was done, he sighed. He rested his hand on Castiel's shoulder. "I wish you didn't have so much faith in me, Cas. As little as it is right now."

"As little as you think it is, it's one of the only things that I still have faith in. It may not be as much, but it is something."

"How? After everything you've just said."

"You can't question a person's or angel's faith. They just have it."

"But you can lose it."

"I just have to believe in one thing, Dean. Just one thing. And that is my faith."

"Is it in something I did?" Dean asked, hopeful.

Castiel sighed and bowed his head, unable to answer the question. But Dean knew that Castiel was going to follow him, even to his second death.

Castiel gently took the hand that was on his shoulder on his hand pulled it off of him. "You have to save your brother. I know you. You have a loyalty to your family that I…" the angel's voice trailed off, unable to get the words he wanted to say to cross his lips. "I can't watch you fail. And this is the last way that I can help you."

"Cas. You don't have to do this."

Castiel shook his head to tell Dean that he was wrong. "I do. It's your only chance. Please finish."

Dean nodded, reluctantly, and got to work on finishing the last three symbols.

The both of them looked up when they heard footsteps rounding the corner. They braced themselves for an attack but just as quickly relaxed when they saw that it was just Sam. "What is taking you guys so long?" he asked as he got closer to the two of them. Dean stood between his brother and Castiel. Sam pushed his brother off to the side when he thought he saw blood on his hands. His eyes widened when he saw Castiel's front side covered in blood. Then he looked at his brother and saw what he held in his hand. "What the hell are you doing, Dean?"

"Sigils," Dean growled, stepping forward to finish up. He finished the last symbol then retracted the blade. "Done."

Castiel looked down and brought his hand to his chest to wipe the excess blood away. "You… you have to add a few more symbols," Castiel whispered, breathless. Although he couldn't feel the wounds, his vessel could and he was reacting to the blood loss and pain.

"Why? It's done."

"Because… you have to, Dean."

"No," Dean said, adamantly. "That is the sigil we've been using, and it's worked every time."

"It needs to be different."

"What exactly are you doing?" Sam asked.

Castiel stared at Dean, not breaking his gaze. "Dean, you know it has to be different," he replied, ignoring Sam.

"Why isn't this enough?" Dean looked down at his blood coated hands and the blade he held in them. Then his gaze shifted from his brother to Castiel. He grabbed his brother's hand and put the box cutter in it. "You do it," he spat. "I… I can't."

They watched as Dean turned the corner, heading back to the entrance of the warehouse. "Sam?" Castiel asked.

"He's scared. This whole thing is scaring him."

"Saying yes is a big step."

"He's not scared about just that." Castiel stared at Sam, not exactly sure what he was implying. "You know what, it doesn't matter. We need to… what do you need… will you be okay at the end of this?"

"Just carve, Sam." Castiel waited for Sam to move. "If you can't, I can finish."

Sam sighed and shook his head. He adjusted the blade and waited for Castiel to give him some instruction. Sam felt like he was waiting for minutes for him to do something. "Cas? You really going to go through with this? Whatever it is."

"I have to."

"I'm sorry, Cas."

"What for?"

"You, being a… being of faith. Then just losing so much of it in such a short span of time."

"I still have faith, Sam. It's just… It's all right."

"Why do this, Cas? You shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself."

Castiel stared at the younger Winchester. "Sam, your brother will do what's best."

"You hope so."

"You believe so. And I believe so. There was a time when that would've been enough."

Sam nodded and extended the blade. "I just wish that Dean could see it."

**So, I feel as though I've been gone for way too long and that I've been neglecting you. Here is a one shot that I wrote. I know it isn't much. But school pretty much owned me this year. It's summer and I'm planning to write a lot. I promise. No summer school, no working. Just relaxing and writing. Thanks for those who are still sticking with me. Thanks for reading. Please review. Lil-Rock**


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